Retrosnark

Try these on for size

Not only am I looking for better stuff to post, I'm looking for new areas to snark on. This time, it's some selections from the Pictorial Encyclopedia of American History, a multi-volume set published in 1966. I know it's a slight departure, but I thought the illustrations were laughable enough to snark on. What say my adoring public?

More history trivia

In an attempt to fit in during his visit to Peru and Venezuela, vice president Nixon not only became temporarily black, but he also had his pointing finger Arsenioed.

Alan B. Shepard's ginormous head is now one of Saturn's moons

A grateful nation exulted as Shepard became the first American astronaut. Sadly, for Shepard, an unexpected side-effect of space travel was head gigantism, and he was doomed to forever orbit Saturn.

See, Nixon wasn't telegenic, while Kennedy was...wait

The things you learn from a pictorial encyclopedia. All this time I thought Nixon lost the 1960 debate to JFK because he came off all sweaty and icky. Turns out, he lost because Americans preferred a blocky-toothed, blinky guy to a staring machine.

Also, the sixties were really red.

And the horror begins

It was in the fifties that evil in the form of telecast clowns began to invade the former wholesome sanctuary of the American home. I think we can all agree that the decline of civilization can be traced to that exact moment.

Also, in the lab, a hawkish researcher attempts to determine whether V-8 or grape juice makes a better mixer.

And the power of the atom is released when the first UN symbol is successfully detonated, setting off a logo war that would last until the fall of the Soviet Union.

"Don't look now, but check out the legs on that paralegal!"

This was supposed to illustrate the Supreme Court ending school segregation, but all I can think of is one justice sharing some juicy gossip with another. 

But I'll give the artist credit: I don't know how he did it, but he made that lawyer in the green blazer (who'd just come from winning the Masters, evidently) look darn earnest, even from behind. You can just sense the golly-geeness coming from that young man.

China fell? Then it's party time!

I don't care about the Communist takeover when there's a party to be had. I'm donning my pineapple hat, grabbing a few blue-tipped Roman candles, and heading for the par-tay!

"Have you considered, you know, tying that stuff down?"

A young Joe Paterno mans the clipboard as Marshall Plan supplies are loaded on ships.

Little-known fact: ropes and cables for securing cargo on ships weren't widely deployed until the early seventies. Until then, sailors were forced to take turns holding the cargo down themselves, with limited success. Cargo often slid off the ship, frustrating the crew and causing them to remark, "Man! Overboard!"

"No, no, this'll work. I saw it on 'House'"

"You give the patient a few ounces of uranium, leave it in for, let's say, two or three hours...or was that weeks? Ennyway, we leave it in there for a while, and it kills all the bad stuff. Fixed that one guy up in no time, and still gave the doctor plenty of time to make ironic, pithy asides. And I didn't see him wearing protective gear, so I'm sure we'll be fine."

Still cranking on it

After perusing my collection of scanned images, I'm again convinced that there's not a lot to choose from. So I'm gonna have to scan up some new stuff. And I'm gonna. Not right now, I mean. There are two episodes of "The Big Bang Theory" on tonight, people!

In the meantime, here are some fairly good selections from the Better Homes & Gardens, Feb. 1939 issue. Now, if you'll excuse me, Sheldon and Leonard are beckoning me.

Strangely, this didn't make the cut at the Olympics

Evidently, in the thirties, there was a fad in which women, clad in Robin Hood hats and heels, started off in Gotham (no doubt near the headquarters of Wayne Industries), wearing Gotham Gold Stripe stockings, and then covered the whole country while wearing a pedometer. Somehow, this was supposed to sell Ivory Flakes.

Stupid rhymes will do just fine

If cheesy rhymes are what you covet
Here they are, and lots of it
And there's a cheap pun-title, too
Bad enough to make you boo

I'm against mechanical servitude

It was only last year that I finally gave up and joined the automatic transmission crowd, so I'm aware that, for most of the population, not changing gears is a big plus. And in 1939, not changing gears, or at least having help changing gears, was a big plus, especially for the gentler sex. But "a hidden mechanical servant" doesn't so much say "helpful" as it does "stalker creepy."

Odd verbiage, too. "Lightly a Lady's Fingers" sounds like a Barbara Cartland book title, besides leaving you hanging. Lightly a lady's fingers...strangle someone? Knife the mailman? Vote Communist? The mind boggles at the possibilities.

How fast is that Chevelle?

"Hey, Daddy-O. My Chevelle has a 454, dual four-barrels, high-rise Edelbrock, traction bars, and a Hurst four-speed. What does your Chevelle have?"
"Um, curds."

I guess this was a forerunner of Velveeta, but alas, didn't live to see the day of Rotel dip. Here's some more info on the company.

Let's get this out of the way: I'm sorry

I'm really, really sorry about the quality of tonight's posts. And I'm not doing the falsely humble bit, where I say something like that in hopes that you'll all go, "Oh, come on, Jim. These posts gave my life new meaning, such was their beauty, fiber, wisdom, and low-fatness." I'm really not happy with these posts. So you've been warned. If you read them, I don't want anybody blaming me when you die, and God asks exactly why you wasted these precious seconds of your life reading these posts.

That being said, here are a few "meh" posts from the Aug., 1965 issue of 16 magazine, which as we all know is the only magazine devoted to the squaring of the number four. Or something. They're in black-and-white, which makes them suck so bad your monitor screen may become concave, and they're not all that interesting. I'll try to do better tomorrow.