Retrosnark

Two jiggling layers. Of evil

What's worse than tomato Jell-O? Shrimp and lime Jell-O. Yep, that’s everybody’s favorite sea crustacean, all wrapped up in hoof extract. It’s blecky enough to make you forget that the “sand vein” is neither sand nor vein. Discuss.

Greetings, Professor Falken

Look at those little armaments, with their strawberry payloads strapped to their nosecones. They're the hottest thing in Martha Stewart’s Spring MIRV line. Available at Kmart.

That pig is sure wearing a lot of lipstick

You can slap a cutesy (and, I’ll have to admit, tasty-looking) flower on top of an inedible ingot of congealery, and it’ll still be an inedible ingot of congealery.

Standard-issue nuclearfamilyware

Take away that blotch of Curried Chutney Dressing and the cauliflower (any vegetable that looks like that and tastes like another vegetable doesn’t deserve consumption, in my book) and this actually looks pretty spiffalicious, what with the table setting and rattan-encased glasses and all.

For this dish, you're going to need a robotic jigsaw

Just congealing a heapin’ helpin’ of mung isn’t bad enough. No, they have to go and make the congealed mung a mustard boat holder.

The rest of the scene is ridiculously excellent, however. Retro appurtenances, and check out the knifework somebody did on that bolus of bread.

Squeeze the tops of these things and get Extra Creepy Olive Oil

Throw away the Lego food and slap some real vittles on the tray, and you've got yerself a retro feast fit for a totally swinging bachelor pad.

Cats ask for it by name

Here's how to make Tuna Tomato Stars:

1. Slice tomatoes into pentagrams using pentagram miter guide.
2. Hollow pentagrams using new space-age Tomato Eviscerator, available for 375 S&H Green Stamps.*
3. Fill with your family'€™s favorite flavor of Tender Vittles canned cat food.
4. Dig in! Then the whole family can be bulimic together!

 
*Unbelievably, they're still around, albeit in a new incarnation as "€œGreenpoints."

"Battle Gelatinous Cube is ovah!"

“Fukui-San?”
“Yes, go ahead, Ohta.”
“I’ve just found out that in this dish, Iron Chef Chen Kenichi is using a mixture of tofu, deadly spinefish gallstones—which have of course been boiled in lye, kimbosa style, so they’re perfectly safe—hummingbird eyelashes, and 100-year-old maraschino cherries. Oh, and Rice Krispies.”

We've got a 417 in produce, over

It’s a dang shame that somebody would go and mutilate an apple like that. He even left it to steep in its own juices, the sick pervert. It's the Red Delicious Killer, all right.

Sorry for the weird indent

When I changed the setting of the ol' bloggerino, it mangled something in the picture display module or some such, and now the blog displays the copy for existing pictures weirdly. I can fix them, and I am, but I have to do it one post at a time, so it'll be a while a-fore I'm finished with all of it. In the meantime, thank you for kind indulgences.