Retrosnark

There's creative, and then there's lazy

When they make an entire parade float out of flowers and other live material, that's creative. When you just buy the Continent-Sized Pallet of Stick-on Bows at Costco and make a tree shape out of it, that's lazy.

Is there such a thing as Irish blackface?

I'm seriously asking here. These mugs have the exaggerated lips of blackface, but they're obviously of Caucasian extraction. Maybe they were the result of some kind of stereotype exchange program, and somewhere there's some mugs with dark skin and wearing a tam-o'shanter.

I guarantee you can't buy these now for less than a double-digit number of vital organs.

I'll have a Blue Christmas, indeed

Wow. I seriously mean wow. I don't know whether to focus on the tri-level table, the globules and cups, or the sickly pallor of blue covering everything. And what's that umbrella-like thing at the top of the table?

I'll be hiding in the closet, behind those folding doors.

A little too much truth in that description

"There is no 'right' side to this tree..." Yep. No matter how you turn it or the eighth-scale one next to it, it's still stupid and ugly.

The opposite is true of the other tree's description. It's "clever" to hang Christmas canes on a mock Christmas tree? Hey, I hear the truly avant garde are using these new "red" and "green" colors.

"Oil can! Oil can!"

He was killed off in editing, but "The Wizard of Oz" also featured the Tin Man's striped brother, who was going to ask the Wizard for low-calorie sweetener. Here he is pictured in front of one of those talking trees that won't let you pick apples from them.

Plates, graters, and Swedish Jesus

Gah. Gah. GAH. First, you have three decorations picked from the pantry, highlighted by a grater that's been icepicked. Those would be bad enough, but then you see the blond Jesus, which I'm sure surprised Mary and Joseph a great deal. Plus, he looks like he's taking a swig of a mini-bottle. And he could also pass for the young Kal-El, before Marlon Brando sent him to Earth. Which, when you think about it, actually makes sense. Only General Zod would be evil enough to concoct such a fiendish "decoration."

The first annual Do What Now? Christmas Retrofest Giveaway

Remember when Oprah--excuse me, The Oprah--gave away those Pontiacs on her show? Well, I hate to top her this badly, and I hope she doesn't send her mind rays after me, but I'm gonna go far beyond giving away a stupid car. I'm going to give three lucky Do What Now? readers some genuine seventies relics, all of which I purchased my own self lo these many years ago.

First, there's the 45 of "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace. There's no sleeve, unfortunately, but I'll wrap it up well before I send it.

Second, there's the 45 of--brace yourself--"Saturday Night," by the Bay City Rollers. Again, no sleeve, but I'll package it gently.

And the piece de resistance, which I believe means something really good in French, a somewhat weathered but assumedly still playable copy of the LP "Worlds Away" by Pablo Cruise, AND an (again, assumedly still playable) 8-track of "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton. Like the Pablo Cruise LP, it's somewhat weathered, too, but hey, it's several decades old.

To win, just email me your fondest retro Christmas memory. I'll post them, then put the names of all the submitters in a hat and draw out three winners. If you want to remain nameless, say so in the email and I'll redact your name. I'll take entries until Dec. 21 at 5 p.m. central time. Let's limit entries to one per person, although you can submit as many memories as you'd like.

I'll pay the shipping for the lucky winners. It's my (leetle) way of saying thanks for patronizing my leetle blog through the year.

Also, I'm still collecting donations for Hand in Paw in the name of Do What Now? readers. It's a great charity that reaches many different groups, and helps both animals and people. We're already up to $50!

Good luck, and get to emailing, you big lugs!

(Also, an update will hopefully follow later tonight.)

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

Still, I'm a little torqued that this Lileks fellow insists on ripping me off. I'd sue him for such effrontery, but it's the holiday season, so I guess I'd better let it slide.

Shoot, I'll go farther than that. I'll post a link to his new book, Gastroanomalies, available from Amazon. Help the guy out, and maybe he'll quit stealing my ideas.

Holiday snarkery

Not to give the impression that I'm a Scrooge, since I do love the holidays. However, that doesn't preclude me from snarking on some reprehensibly bad Christmas decorations from the 1958 Better Homes & Gardens Christmas magazine. That magazine is courtesy of the most excellent folks at Modern Mechanix, who generously donated to the cause.

The great scanner fundraising drive of 2007 is over, but I'm still taking donations for the good folks at Hand in Paw. Right now, we're at $35+ (thanks to Daniel), which I'm rounding up to $50, just to make it a nice, even number. I'll collect donations through Dec. 23 or so, then make a big donation in the name of DWN readers.

And finally, there's a new post on the new blog. This one has to do with my wisdom. Don't laugh. Just click the link.

I saw Mommy lynching Santa Claus

You ask yourself, "How would you top off a Christmas display of balloons that, although it will take quite a while to erect, will only look good for a few hours?"

Well, obviously the answer is a few creepily hanged Santas that look like they're refugees from a voodoo movie. This is guaranteed to freak out your kids as much as it will tire out the decorator. Throw in the tree limbs that will shed nonstop, the needles of which you'll never completely get out of your carpet, and it's a regular Rankin-Bass cartoon of Christmas perfection.