Retrosnark

I think my tree has polyps

Look at it. It's busting out all over with these...growths. Good thing I had a backup tree I fashioned out of cinnamon sticks and garnished with fluorescent yarn.

It's a Festivus miracle!

I came home from work, and my Internet connection was perking right along. Furthermore, it has continued to perk, and I've been able to post at will. So here's some more posts from the 1961 BH&G Christmas book.

Don't forget the first annual Do What Now? Christmas Retrofest Giveaway. LPs, eight-tracks, and a copy of James Lileks' Gastroanomalies will be given away. Also, I'm still taking donations to Hand-In-Paw. We're up to $50, and all donations will be given in the name of DWN? readers.

Swan song for good taste

Dang, this is ugly. Dang, I wish I had it.

Extra cool points for the haphazard way the skirt or whatever is flung around the mutant swan.

Christmas Fishtacular

"Clean up a freshly caught fish and pin to a board." They blithely throw that out, as if people catch fish every day in the middle of winter. (Are these supposed to be fish you were going to catch anyway, as part of your daily routine, or are they supposed to be purpose-caught fish? Sloppy copy, people.)

Then, once you've caught a fish, you're supposed to "clean it up." Now, I know what cleaning a fish is. I've scaled and gutted many a bluegill or catfish--technically, you skin a catfish--but I don't know how you "clean up" one. Maybe freshen up its makeup? Comb its dorsal spines into line?

Can trees take Zoloft?

Even though it's set amidst a wonderfully depressing, darkly paneled room, this tree could actually be pretty spiffy. You've got to give some creativity points for those folded roses set off with big gold ornaments, and the white tree limbs have a real "It's new and space-agey" feel. But then they had to go and make the trees all droopy. (Not this Droopy. Although a Droopy tree would be awesome.)

Well, it sure is...um...industrial

You know how some muffler shops make men from muffler parts and put them in front of their shops to make them stand out? When those muffler shop men get home, they make trees like these.

Main-chers?

We don' need no steenking main-chers!

Sweet Claus's clavicle

There's perfection, and then there's perfection. And then, way beyond that, there's this setting. Sweet.

Be sure to set out your Christmas cones

And, for maximum effect, set your cones next to an inscrutable horse and in front of a sickly blue couch. The largest cone must prevent at least 80% of the attempted conversations in your living room.

It’s all the rage in Hooterville

Don’t ask me why, but when I see this, I start humming the “Green Acres” theme song. Maybe because it looks like something Mr. Haney (played by fellow Alabamian Pat Buttram) would have sold out of the back of his truck.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: “Mr. Haney! Those aren't Christmas decorations, they’re a bunch of things you scraped up from a barnyard and painted gold!”
Mr. Haney: “Why, Mr. Douglas, you wound me. I’ll have you know that’s a gen-u-wine Alphonse McFleegle original, created for the crown prince of Dagnabistan and previously only seen by the royal family.”
Lisa Douglas: (Insert something incongruous and endearing.)
Eb: (Insert something dopey and endearing.)