Retrosnark

Super Bowl-week blogging

Here's some blogging to peruse while you obsess over whether or not Tom Brady's foot is okay. More from the Feb. '39 BH&G. Enjoy.

Not to tell a family secret, but my mother was Dutch

Here's a discussion topic: Italian Balm was neither Italian nor a balm. Discuss.

If a non-Italian tried to use Italian Balm, did it still work, or did you have to mix it with Vicks and Listerine?

Presenting Mrs. Coffee Nerves

I couldn't help but think of Lileks' famous Mr. Coffee Nerves when I saw this poor, harried housewife. Of course, if her nervous situation could be remedied by simple application of paper towels, maybe she wasn't all that afflicted in the first place.

Interesting product name, though. "Red Cross Towels: No better choice for soaking up gun-battle blood or flood-victim tears. Look for them next to League of Nations Cotton Swabs."

Lawsy, you're a liar

I'm deeply offended by this ad. I mean, the very idea of implying that Pyrex is a good cookware. I hate that stuff.

Also, "flameware" should be a category of software that prevents people from making snide comments on bulletin boards or blogs.

All the grocery-store nurses recommend Nucoa

Wait...what? Maybe I missed something, but in my entire life, the only people wearing white I've seen in grocery stores have been butchers. "Yes, I'd like a pound of ground round, and a flu shot, please."

Also, when was the last time you saw an ad bragging about the calories in a product? "Nucoa: No spread makes you fatter."

Vicks: There's nothing it can't do

Judging by the old ads for Vicks and Listerine, if you'd imbibed or did your ablutions with those two products, you'd turn into a bullet-proof, immortal being. And it's not like there's any room for dissention with those claims. I mean, look at those three boys in North Carolina. They used Vicks, and they didn't catch a cold. If that's not ironclad proof of Vicks being able to prevent colds, and not at all a statistically minuscule sampling, I don't know what is. Not only that, but the three boys didn't develop male-pattern baldness, ectopic pregnancy, or fallen arches, and not a one of them spontaneously combusted. Proof positive that Vicks cures or prevents every ailment known to man.

Listerine, the queergermicide

I'm not sure why the Listerine folk felt it necessary to point out that dandruff was (supposedly) caused by "queer, bottle-shaped" germs, but they did. Personally, I've never been interested in the geometry of an infection. "Give it to me straight, Doctor Lee. What shape are these germs?"

I suppose Listerine did whatever Vicks couldn't do. Although, evidently, it couldn't prevent a "teen age" daughter from appearing to be 25 or so.

Use Kraft to land an idiot husband

If a women ever really did win a husband as a result of cooking a Kraft Cheese Rabbit, then she probably got the spouse she deserved.

Live, from the oncologist's office

Technically, I only straightened, cropped, and otherwise massaged these pictures while waiting for my mother at the oncologist's office. (Just for a checkup. She's fine.) I'm posting them from home. But it sounds more dramatic the other way. Here's four more from the '39 BH&G. Enjoy.

Good thing that creepy Mr. Filkins didn't do it

I guess you can excuse some wanton "Ritzing" by a trusted house-servant, but you wouldn't want that kind of thing to become a fad. Next thing you know, you can't take in a football game at State U without having your raccoon coat  Ritzed to pieces.

Lots of snark bait here. For instance, the protagonist couple are hiring a maid who was working for a rich woman. As if a liveried maid were commonplace in John and Jane Q. Public's house.

And evidently, Mrs. Q. Public had a degree in English lit. "Very well, I'll inquire about it." Pip-pip, cheerio, wot's all this then? Of course, when she goes to the store, her saltmonger is wearing a smoking jacket. Then when she serves this salt to her husband, it turns him into The Penguin, minus the cigarette holder.

Also, note the fact that the salt was available iodized or plain. I reckon that was because Granpappy hadn't gotten around to reading that goiter memo back in '39.