Retrosnark

Complexional beauty: Not just something we made up

Let me start out by saying, "Huh?" How obvious is this?

"From a woman's point of view, beauty is a quality that enables her to successfully appeal to the admiration of others--men and women." Well, yeah, that's pretty much the definition of beauty, wouldn't you say? That statement is as comically unnecessary as saying, "From a scientist's point of view, the concentration of two parts of hydrogen and one part oxygen is an ideal method of hydrating the body."

I do like the phrase "Otto of Rose," though. Don't know what it means, but I like it. Sounds like the title of an English nobleman.

Electricity and plumbing: two great tastes that taste great together

Of course, that taste is the coppery taste of electric death. I know these things were insulated and all, but somehow, I can't help but think that 1909's concept of insulation wasn't quite so stringent as today's. No small concern when you're going "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" in the Grim Reaper's face.

And really: "Electric Light Baths"?

"Timmy, did you get in the tub?"
"No ma'am, but I did stand in front of that newfangled electric light."
"Okay. As long as you're clean. Off to bed with you."

Mother, you're all right

"Why, thank you, daughter. It's always important for a mother and daughter to have a good relationship, and I'm glad you love and respect me. Now, would you please tell me why you're wearing that flower pot on your head?"

And is it just me, or is it kinda weird to name your beauty cream after a tragedy in which people were buried in ash? Or was being buried in ash considered good for the epidermis in 1909?

I've been spelunked

And I meant that. I haven't been spelunking, I've been spelunked. Which is to say that parts of my body that never ever should be viewed have been viewed and even electronically stored. What's more, it's not over. I'm supposed to go back in a while to--and this is as close to being a double-naught spy that I'll ever get--swallow a pill camera that goes on the defecation superhighway known as my insides.

While I planned to post tonight, I've spent the better part of the evening decompressing. And by that, I don't mean "leaving behind the stress of the day." I mean "lowering my internal pressure so that it matches the outside air. So no posts.

I was out of town Thursday and Friday, nursing a sick pregnant wife Saturday and Sunday, and continuing to work on my book the whole time, ergo the slackitude on my part. Let me issue a mea culpa, even though I'm not Catholic.

If you want an account of what I've been going through, read what Dave Barry wrote about it.